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Posts Tagged ‘FloridaManNovel’

Florida Man Friday: True Stories #23

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , on December 11, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Omar-S-Mateen

Again, definitely not funny…

Despite a history of domestic violence and being investigated twice by the FBI for alleged ties to terror networks, Omar Mir Seddique Mateen not only passed a 3-day wait period to purchase a handgun, as per Florida Law, but was also able to walk out of the story with an AR-15-type gun the same day of purchase—again, as per Florida law. He went on to kill 49 people and wound 53 at the gay nightclub, Pulse, in Orlando. He was shot eight times by police on the scene with no drugs or alcohol in his system and wearing two pairs of socks.

Ellis, Ralph; Ashley Fantz, Faith Karimi, & Eliott C. McLaughlin. “Orlando Shooting: 49 Killed, Shooter Pledged ISIS Allegiance.” CNN. Turner Broadcasting System, Inc. June 13, 2016.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #22

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , on December 4, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Kevin James Loibl

Kevin James Loibl

This one just flat-out isn’t funny.

Kevin James Loibl—raised by a violent, abusive mother who eventually died of an aspirin overdose (possibly purposefully, at his urging), then lived with his father’s violent girlfriend, dropped out of college due to a World of Warcraft obsession, had to be maneuvered around departments at work due to severely bad social skills, became infatuated with a celebrity to the extent that he believed them to be soul mates, lost 50 pounds, got LASIK surgery, got his teeth whitened and hair implants, and converted to Christianity to impress her—was somehow able to procure two handguns, one of which he used to shoot Christina Grimmie the times, and the other to shoot himself in the head.

Chuck, Elizabeth; Gemma DiCasimirro; Molly Roecker; Jillian Sederholm. “Gunman Who Killed ‘The Voice’ Singer Christina Gimmie Had Two Weapons, Ammo, Knife: Police.” NBC News. NBC Universal, Inc. June 11, 2016.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #21

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , , on November 27, 2020| Leave a Comment »

UnderwearThief

There’s a black market on just about everything, but this makes a certain amount of sense—women’s lingerie is just too damned expensive. Daniel Espinosa and his juvenile co-culprit saw their opportunity and they took it—on three separate occasions. They stole 850 pairs of underwear—over $15,000 worth—in November and December of 2013. Espinosa was a recent high school graduate, lived with his parents, and had no money in the bank, so we can presume these were not for personal use.

NBC Miami. “Man Stole 850 Pairs of Underwear from Victoria’s Secret: Authorities.” NBC Miami. NBC Universal, Inc. January 16, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #20

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , , on November 20, 2020| Leave a Comment »

vending machine

Unnamed Florida Man had to be rescued from a vending machine at Alpha Packaging company in Jacksonville. “Authorities”—presumably the Jacksonville Fire & Rescue spokesman—would not provide additional information as to how the man became “entangled,” how he was rescued, nor the extent of his injuries. Of course, the imagination soars. That said, this is really the best part of the story: “A person at Alpha Packaging picked up the phone and hung up without providing any additional information.” Fair enough, Alpha Packaging.

Action News – Jacksonville. “Florida Man Rescued from Vending Machine.”ActionNewsJax. Cox Media Group. August 22, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #19

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , , on November 13, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Meth-Trash

Typical Florida Man fodder—Ian Freudenreich got busted with a one-pot meth lab in his pants after the police got a tip. One-pot meth lab, you ask? Indeed. No more complicated set-ups—meth labs have become mobile, according to a July 2013 online educational article with the headline: “What Is A One-Pot Meth Lab?” According to this source, “major meth labs are a thing of the past.” If you come across a bottle with a white residue and a strong chemical odor, it is suggested that you should not handle it. The chemicals on it could “burn your skin and (these bottles) should be treated like a bomb.” Good to know, because my first inclination is to pick it up and rub it all over my face. Mr. Freudenreich has a history of various drug-related offenses.

McAboy, Cassandra. “Meth Lab Found in Pants Leg of Suspect.” Fox 10 News. Meredith Corporation. October 9, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #18

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , , , on November 6, 2020| Leave a Comment »

HammerHead

Plot twist—you would have thought the one-armed man wielding the hammer was our usual Florida Man suspect. Jeremy Randolph, drug-fueled and angry, was having an altercation with his live-in girlfriend, like you do. Perry Glover, our one-armed hero witnessed the fight and stepped in to break it up. When Randolph violently objected, Glover snatched up a hammer with his one hand and proceeded to whack Randolph in the head until he evacuated the premises. Randolph was arrested and booked for battery; as of the writing of the article, possible battery charges for Perry were pending review by the State Attorney’s Office. A public record search reveals the charges against Randolph, but not against Perry.

First Coast News. “One Armed Man Hits Drunk Man with Hammer, Police.”First Coast News. WTLV-TV. October 27, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #17

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , on October 30, 2020| Leave a Comment »

The usual political clusterfuckery we’ve come to expect here in the 21st century. Southern Baptist minister Charles Van Zant served as State Representative for Florida’s 21st District for four years and then the 19th District for six. In reference to the American Institute for Reasearch—an organization the state paid $220 million to design a standardized test—Van Zant is quoted as saying: “They will promote double-mindedness in state education and attract every one of your children to become as homosexual as they possibly can.” To be honest, I do expect this flavor of far-right Christian conservative to express their lunatic concern about tests turning kids gay, but I don’t think anyone’s expressed concern about the level of gayness prior to this. Unsurprisingly—what with their moral compasses with machine precision—he, his wife, and his son (Charlies Van Zant, Jr, former Clay County School Superintendent—have been embroiled in various ethical investigations. If only they’d had standardized tests growing up that turned them into decent, principled citizens.

Elias, Dave. “FL State Rep: School Tests Designed To Turn Students Gay.” NBC2. Waterman Broadcasting of Florida, LLC. May 20, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #16

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , , on October 23, 2020| Leave a Comment »

Spiritual Girlfriend

Following a physical altercation, Casey Molter smashed his girlfriend’s cellphone and then proceeded to go after her car. He broke off the passenger side mirror, deflated the tires, and bedecked the hood with condoms and messages written in “creams and lotions,” which the police termed “love notes.” What would drive a man to behave in such a manner? Well, let’s face it—probably drugs of some kind, however, there was more to the story. Apparently, Molter’s unnamed girlfriend—whom he described as “spiritual”—rendered unto Casey a prophecy for the ages. She told him that his dead grandmother would visit him in a dream state and there she would “commit an unusual sex act to him involving an adult erotic device.” It was an image he couldn’t scrub from his psyche and he eventually snapped, resulting in the aforementioned incident. Overreaction? Maybe. But, to be fair, in what appears to be the 2013 obituary for Molter’s grandmother, Nada, she is described as an “incredibly nurturing personality,” having gotten a teaching degree after raising six kids, teaching for many years, and promoting drama and music programs. A vegetarian, she was “frequently donating her time and resources” to animal causes, adopting many dogs, cats, birds, and “other animals” over the course of her life. And, of course, in lieu of flowers, it was requested that friends and family donate or volunteer at the Human Society of Indian River County. In light of all that, Casey’s “spiritual” girlfriend can eat it. As for Casey Molter, other than this one episode, he does not appear to have a criminal record.

Kaufman, Scott. “Florida Man Attacks ‘Spiritual’ Girlfriend’s Car Over Dead Granny Sex Toy Dream Prophecy.”Raw Story. Raw Story Media, Inc. January 2, 2015

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #15

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , , on October 16, 2020| 2 Comments »

GrinderFace

Eriks (pronounced “Erik”) Mackus was in prison for grand theft auto and robbery, and while he was in prison, he tattooed himself face using a very special ink blend of melted checkers, grease, toothpaste, and pencil lead, applied with a paperclip—among other things, his 727 Pinellas area code on one cheek and the state of—you guessed it—Florida on his other cheek. When he got out of prison, he made to start over by getting a welding certificate, which was good. He was told he’d have a hard time finding work with the tattoos on his face, so he had a fellow welding student take them off with a wire brush welding grinder, which was bad. He got his certificate and planned to find work with a union, to save money, and move to Texas, or maybe even Alaska, which was good. Five years later in 2019, he was booked on charges in Pinellas County for felony domestic battery, which is bad. I was really pulling for Mackus.

Kuruvilla, Carol. “Florida Man Grinds Off His Jail Tattoos with a Steel Wire Brush.” New York Daily News. Tribune Publishing Company. May 31, 2014.

 

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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Florida Man Friday: True Stories #14

Posted in Florida Man, Florida Man Friday, tagged , , , on October 9, 2020| Leave a Comment »

SpiderFace

Simply put, Eric Rico Ortiz got a tattoo of a black widow spider on the side of his face because he was afraid of spiders. Let me quote the article: “’Everybody fears spiders,’ Ortiz told the Daytona Beach News-Journal, while standing at the Volusia County Courthouse to handle felony charges against him for habitually driving with a revoked license.” His rap sheet on the day of this hearing included burglary, narcotic possession, retail theft, prowling, and domestic battery. The crime saga doesn’t end there. A few days later, after an altercation with his girlfriend involving a box cutter and an attempted rape, Ortiz was being sought by police for kidnapping, battery, false imprisonment, attempted sexual battery without force, tampering with a witness, robbery by sudden snatching, and preventing someone from calling 911. According to HireExFelon.com, Ortiz was later sentenced for “willful child abuse” and aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. He also has the following tattoos as described by the Florida State Prison West Unit, where he is being held as of this writing: “Cross Cards 8Ball Rosary Banner Dragon Gun Eric Yariel Angel NY” on his left arm, “Clouds Star Prayer Hands Sun Mi Orguello Flag Clouds Boricua” on his right arm, “Heart Roses Banner” on his left chest, “Skull” on his right chest, “Love Eye” on his right hand, oh, and a “Spiders Web” on his face, opposite the giant spider that captured the media’s hearts. His release date is April 4, 2020, if you happen to live in the area.

McCoy, Terrence. “Florida Man Terrified of Spiders So He Tattooed A Giant One on His Face.” Miami New Times. New Times. February 21, 2014.

Joseph, Chris. “Florida Man with Spider Tattoo on His Face Is Now Wanted By Police.”March 4, 2014. Broward Palm Beach New Times. New Times.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

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