Florida Man: The Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story
Rupert is an anxiety-ridden, panic attack-prone, six-foot-ten, 42-year-old biracial man working for the Spliphsonian museum in Washington DC-the only entropologist with naught above a high school degree-and passively crushing on a co-worker, Leenda, from a distance. Quite suddenly, he is sent to Florida to secretly infiltrate a federally funded, museum-sponsored work program for drug addicts, and evaluate it. Failure to do so will result in demotion to the janitorial job he’d originally applied for.
Once there, Rupert pushes through his many anxieties and gets caught up in four meth-producing enterprises operated by assorted bosses and cookers of varying degrees of insanity-bona fide Florida Men (and Women). He finds, in short order, that his anxiety retreats in the face of people more socially inept than himself, and soon, he is planning to start his own meth super lab, intent on putting these low-rent meth dealers out of business and winning Leenda’s heart in the process-he will become Florida Man. But, the bosses have something else in mind. Inevitably, entropy kicks in and his plans begin to fall apart.
Through panic attacks and self-doubt, moments of clarity and insanity, and through a reality bordering the egregiously questionable, Rupert finds the mental, emotional, and physical strength to save the day-or does he? What exactly is it his friend, Jesus, gives him to smoke? If he thinks Florida is strange, things will surely become significantly stranger. . . .
FLORIDA MAN: THE BATTLE OF THE FIVE METH LABS: A LOVE STORY began as a joke with a friend. After compiling dozens of “Florida Man” headlines from which to draw inspiration, it practically structured itself, and I couldn’t stop writing. Now, it’s a nearly-88,000-word joke. In the end, it is an odyssey-or, as I like to say, a “wacky romp”-into the world of “Florida Man,” based either directly on, or as a creative annex to, actual news stories, including endnote references.
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Robert Louis Stevenson treks through the French highlands hoping to heal his recently broken heart — prompted by the loss of one Mrs. Fanny Osbourne — and to gather notes for a new travelogue, “Travels with a Donkey in the Cévennes.” Along with the fickle Modestine, his pack donkey, Stevenson journeys 120 miles through villages and valleys, encountering innkeepers and fellow travelers, a monk-filled monastery, a violent, angry mob, and more superstitious locals than one could adequately poke with a donkey goad. These things he’d expected, but not the mysterious figure trailing him, the murder, nor, above all, a confrontation with the notorious Beast of Gévaudan of 18th-century legend. Hunted, heart-sick, questioning his own sanity and senses, Stevenson forms unlikely alliances as he is forced to face an entire region of werewolves — and possibly worse — in order to reach his destination and desire, Alès and a long-for letter from his estranged love.
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Dread Confluence is a chilling collection of tales — from the uncanny to the downright ghoulish — based in and around the city of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.*
The first tale begins in 1873, in the town of Economy, where the unsuspecting Paul Gaffey taps into the underground river for a community well…also tapping into something more ominous. (Novelette)
In 1926, a downtown architectural and engineering firm comprised of radical young upstarts wins a bid and builds the new Point Bridge across the Monongahela River-one more accessible to the business district, teeming with vampires. (Novelette)
In 1956, a boy makes sense of the mystery of a downed B-25, which crashed into the Monongahela River the year before, never to be seen again. (Short story)
In 1987, in the depressed town of Braddock, a steel worker anticipating a lay-off inadvertently seals the fate of both himself and his family through his dreams. (Short story)
In 1996, a corporate CFO with a working-class background gets a disturbing, and wholly unexpected, message from his recently-deceased steelworker father. (Short story)
And on the North Side in July of 2010, a cynically nostalgic beer vendor working PNC Park watches as the Pirates lose, yet again. But that is nothing compared to the chaos that ensues when, unbeknownst to the teams, they unwittingly enact a series of plays that raises the past of Pittsburgh, quite literally. (Short story)
Dread Confluence retains historical accuracy in place and event (creating a new, numinous narrative for the city) it also utilizes that very landscape to take an already dark city chronicle and make it darker, more sinister.
*One doesn’t need to be from Pittsburgh, PA to enjoy these stories.
Author’s Note: This is basically my writing thesis from grad school. While readers might enjoy the introduction, I’ve included it here mainly for the benefit of writers, who may enjoy this sort of insight into the work they are reading.
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Dark Foul Light: In April of 1941, Geoffrey is a Liverpool painter still healing from wounds incurred from a recent German bombing raid, and haunted by the memory of one of the many who didn’t survive. Since then, the colors he uses seem dull and lifeless. In an effort to reclaim his former artistic drive, he takes a job refurbishing the ceiling mural of St. Luke’s Cathedral. But something is with him, always, and, high upon the scaffolding, he unwittingly straddles the veil between the living and the dead.
This story is based on the song “Heartwork” by Carcass. Fun Tip: Take a moment to give the lyrics a quick read before dipping into this 5700-word story.
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