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Closet

You didn’t think I made up Rupert and Shit Pail being trapped in an unlocked closet, did you?

Amber Campbell and John Arwood spent two days trapped in an unlocked janitor’s closet at the Daytona State College’s Marine and Environmental Science Center. They entered the closet on Sunday and it wasn’t until Tuesday that Arwood decided to call 911. Police discovered there was not a functioning lock on the door when they arrived. Best part: Law enforcement found human feces and “suspected” drug paraphernalia, but no drugs. Where the drugs went is apparently a mystery, but presumably there were enough drugs to take two days to ingest. They were charged with trespassing. Arwood had a number of previous arrests and was keeping busy throughout 2019 with grand thefts, burglary, and assaults—he is listed as currently transient, though “on supervision.” Bonus Arwood Fact: His numerous tattoos include one described as “GROIN: 83, GODS GIFT.”

Jauragui, Andres. “Florida Couple Spent Days in Unlocked Closet, Thought They Were Trapped: Cops.” HuffPost News. Verizon Media. January 2, 2015.

That’s it! That’s the last one! Who’d have thought I’d have enough Florida Man Friday citations to last until the first week of March? Well, here we are, and now I need to come up with a new Friday post…dang…

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

buttdial

Donna Knope, her son Jason Knope, and Thomas Stallings of Deltona were arrested for running a meth lab. They were busted when one of the three—it is unknown which—inadvertently butt-dialed 911 and police listened to them “talking about making and selling methamphetamine” for a half-an-hour. They also heard a “bubbling sound as if something was cooking.” It might be worth noting that the Knopes hadn’t been arrested prior nor since this incident, though Stallings had been on probation for a domestic battery arrest. Other career highlights include grand theft, burglary, and child injury/abuse. I’m going to go ahead and blame Stalling for the butt-dial.

The Smoking Gun. “Cops: Pocket-Dial T0 911 Sinks Florida Trio Operating Meth Lab in Backyard Shed.” The Smoking Gun. TSG Industries, Inc. October 6, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

Dog Hair

Bay Harbor Island’s Ruth Regina—an eighth-generation wigmaker—makes hairpieces for dogs: “braids, curls, and extensions that can be dyed, highlighted, and styled to order. . .” Feature styles include the “Yappy Hour” (synthetic or human hair, curled and dyed any color, including pastels—a “good choice for hairless dogs”), the “Peek a Bow Wow” (Covers half the dog’s face for a Veronica Lake look—good for “any dog that has feeling, you know, a sexy dog”), the Rover R-r-r-rug” (straight hair for bangs), and “Buddy Braids” (self-described, for dogs with a little hair as they need to he attached with clips.)

Diaz, Madeline BarM-s. “Wigs & Wags.” Sun Sentinel. South Florida Sun Sentinel. August 9, 2006.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

TeddyRoos

A man by the surname Roosevelt repeatedly attempted to eat breakfast at a Holiday Inn at which he was not staying. Upon being refused and asked to leave for a final time, the man threatened to hit the manager and have her fired, as he was the great-grandson of Theodore Roosevelt, owned the hotel, and the entire United States. This is a bold claim. He was issued a notice for trespassing.

Lurye, Rebecca. “Man Claiming to Be Teddy’s Roosevelt’s Relative Banned From Bluffton Hotel.” The Island Packet. Hilton Head Island Packet.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

IHop

Matt Skytta walked into an International House of Pancakes around 1am, flashed an Orlando Police Department insignia patch in his wallet, and demanded to fed free food, as he was a police officer. When informed that that was, indeed, not IHOP policy, he said: “I’m not going anywhere until you feed me.” He then threatened the server, which escalated to much worse—he said, “Hey buddy!” then “exposed his buttocks.” When real police came to arrest him, he said: “I’m a Green Beret! If I die, Obama dies!” He then said he knew the Orlando Police Chief and said his “retired brothers” would help him out, which perhaps he, and they, did, as I can find no record of his arrest, despite facing charges of impersonating a police officer, trespassing, and disorderly conduct.

Koploswitz, Howard. “’Fake Cop’ Matt Skytta, Florida Man, Shows IHOP Server His Butt When Free Food Request Doesn’t Work: Police.” International Business Times. LBTimes LLC. January 3, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

Tax Return

Florida Man has called 911 for many reasons, including to report his roommate for stealing his weed, to mock police for avoiding getting pulled over for a tail light violation (they tracked his identity through his phone), and to talk to someone because he was lonely (seventeen times—he was on the phone with 911 when the police showed up to arrest him). But “messed up” James Mahoney was jailed for two days and fined $450 for calling 911 to check on his tax return.

UPI. “Drunken Man Called 911 to Ask About His Tax Return.” UPI. United Press International, Inc. February 11, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

Gator Wedding

We cannot begrudge Florida Men their romantic overtures. Eric Griemsmann proposed to Samantha Warner at Gatorland in Orlando during an “Up Close Encounters” schtick by tying the engagement ring to a baby alligator, which was handed to the blindfolded bride-to-be. Obviously, she said yes. Honestly, with the “Alligator Used During Proposal, Then This Happens…” headline, I was hoping they had adopted the gator and raised it as their own child. Alas, no.

Dabrowski, Jessica. “Alligator Used During Proposal, Then This Happens…”WJCT NEWS. WJCT. June 9, 2014.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

SkunkApe

May I simply direct you to the Skunk Ape Research Center? Enjoy.

Skunk Ape Research Center. Skunkape International LLC. Accessed March, 23 2020.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

Emu

After last Friday’s surprise New Year’s beheading, surely we can all use a friendly emu story (and not this).

Taco the amicable emu hopped his four-foot fence after being frightened by a dog—he was found wandering the streets a bit later. This wasn’t Taco’s first jailbreak—he escaped in 2012, apparently during mating season, in the hopes of locating some lucky lady emus.

Price, Wayne T. “Friendly Emu Named Taco Runs Wild in Cape Canaveral.” Florida Today. USA Today Network-Florida. October, 22, 1016.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.

If I Had Some Crack

William John Lee and his accomplice Dana Ruth Valentine were arrested after they were seen breaking into three Delray Beach vehicles while driving a blue Nissan. They faced three counts of burglary, criminal mischief, and two counts of larceny. Lee was recorded by the in-car recording system of the patrol car as saying: “If I had some crack, I wouldn’t be out here stealing [stuff].” Bonus fact: Lee has a tattoo on his left foot, as described

By one correctional facility or another: “Lil Bad Boy Men,” and has a career stealing steals—among other things—that stretches back to 1990. This is Ms. Valentine only recorded offense.

Milian, Jorge. “Boynton Man: “If I Had Some Crack, I Wouldn’t Be Out Here Stealing…”The Palm Beach Post. Gannett Media Group. December 24, 2015.

And Happy New Year! Here’s your New Year Bonus Florida Man (holy shit, Florida Man, that’s a little much)!

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.