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CanOShrimp

Jayson Laughman, of Deltona, believed his mother’s boyfriend, Michael Airhart, stole a can of shrimp. The inside verbal disagreement turned into a physical altercation, where Laughman threatened Airhart with a statue of undisclosed shape. When Airhart thought the matter had been resolved, he and Laughman’s mother retired to their bedroom, but soon Laughman broke down the door with a samurai sword. They calmed him down again, but he later returned to throw kitchen knives at Airhart, who escape through a sliding glass door. When police arrived, Laughman blamed his low blood sugar, complained of chest pain, and was taken to the Florida Fish Memorial Hospital. To be fair, this is just three years after he lost his kids. To be fairer, they were removed for dangerous living conditions featuring free-range prescription meds and hypodermic needles. He won a bonus charge for possession of a firearm as a convicted felon (who knows what for).

Sullivan, Jerriann. “Samurai Sword-Wielding, Knife-Throwing Man Lost It Over Missing Can of Shrimp, Report Says.” Orlando Sentinel. Tribune Publishing Company. August 20, 2013. www.orlandosentinel.com/news/os-xpm-2013-08-20-os-missing-shrimp-sword-throwing-20130820-story.html

CLICK HERE to read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story for free on Wattpad!

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FloridaNightClub

Key West’s 20-year-old Orion Breese Jones was arrested following a foot chase with club security and being stun-gunned twice by police for resisting arrest after whizzing on a waitress from the balcony of said club. As of 2019, he is the founder of Share Your Drop on Instagram, an account where he posts DJ drop clips. According to his private profile, he likes Svdden Death, Bassnectar, RL Grime, Eric Prydz, and appears to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Listening to dubstep has yet to be made a crime, and we hope he followed through when he told police in the Monroe County jail that he had a “desire to seek help for his alcohol problem.”

Moran, Lee. “Florida Man Arrested for Urinating on Waitress at Nightclub.” New York Daily News. Tribune Publishing Company. January 28, 2015. www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/florida-man-arrested-urinating-waitress-nightclub-article-1.2094717

CLICK HERE to read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story for free on Wattpad!

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HologramAlien

An unnamed 53-year-old Marin County man—still wielding a baseball bat upon the arrival of authorities—claimed “the men” had absconded with his wife/girlfriend using “holograms to project signals on the walls to get him to do what they wanted and to communicate with each other.” His lady friend was drunk at the man’s aunt’s mobile home several lots away and confirmed that she had been chased there by the hologram-armed men. The aunt said no one had chased her, but that she “was seeing people and animals at her trailer that were not there.” According to the trailer’s owner, this is not the first time police had been called, citing another instance previously when the man and woman were in the road—he with a gun, and she “digging for gold.” As of February 2014, they were soon-to-be evicted.

CLICK HERE to read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story for free on Wattpad!

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Race War

This week isn’t nearly as funny as a Klan member fighting Dame Edna, but the idiot level is pretty impressive.

Marcus Faella lead a group of ten members of the American Front—a hardcore white supremacist organization modeled after Britain’s National Front—who planned to “kill Jews, immigrants, and other minorities.” Their training facility was located eleven miles from Disney World. Faella was exploring how to manufacture ricin, a lethal biological substance, before he was arrested on an informant’s tip. Ultimately, thirteen were charged—ten had their charges dropped with no explanation. Faella was convicted on two counts of military training in 2014 and sentenced to six months in jail, with sixty-one days credit on time served, plus two years of community control. As of 2015, Faella wears a suit and has reworked his racist views to better blend in with the more contemporary Alt-Right model of academic hate and stupidity.

CLICK HERE to start reading Florida Man for free over on Wattpad! There’s a new installment up today!

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DameEdna

On Halloween, 2012, Boyd Corbin attended an “epic” party at a gay bar dressed as a Klansman with a tiki torch in Wilton Manors near Fort Lauderdale. While there, he found himself in an altercation with Dame Edna Everage impersonator, Michael Walters. I really wish there was a photo of the entire thing. This incident was followed by two years of litigation and intrigue, culminating in Corbin’s exoneration and his decision to run for mayor. As of 2018, he is still running for mayor. Corbin wants to clean up the drinking water, bring down the water bills, get rid of parking meters, build parking garages, bring down garbage collection costs, stop speeding on Wilton Drive, clean up Colohatchee Park (“Don’t take your kids there!”), and bust myriad corrupt officials.

CLICK HERE to start reading Florida Man for free over on Wattpad! There’s a new installment up today!

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Richard Wells, who often creates under the name Slippery Jack, is an artist whose work is steeped in horror and the macabre. With a fondness for traditional mediums that lends his work a chilling authenticity, his illustrations have made perfect adornments to book covers and heavy metal record sleeves. His TV work includes graphic design […]

via Artist Richard Wells on Folk Horror, TV Work and His Upcoming Book — Vampire Squid

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So, I’ve been posting stuff over on Wattpad. It’s a rough platform, and by that, I mean, it’s not the best place for what I write. It is populated mainly by teenaged girls thirsty for, apparently, alpha-male werewolf romances. I know, I didn’t know that was even a thing, but it goes along with the fact that “toxic relationships” is also very trendy there. This makes me sad in that these poor girls have clearly internalized the “if he hurts you, it means he likes you” line adults have been feeding them their whole, short lives. And that is a bummer. I hope they grow out of it.

Florida Man Cover Placeholder

But yes, Wattpad has a massive romance (of all sorts) readership, and although Florida Man: The Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story is, well, a love story, it is a love story among many other things. I’d feel wrong tagging it with the romance genre, because it is hardly romantic (depending how you feel about electro-stimulation), and exposing these poor unsuspecting girls to Bildo and MeeMaw’s Whackin’ Dick might be a little much.

DC Cover

I do have something else up there, though: Dread Confluence. It’s a short story collection of paranormal stories set in and around Pittsburgh, Pa (two novelettes and four short stories — so far. I think it needs one or two more to really round it out.). It is chronological and spans from 1873 to 2010, so far. It is basically my 2011 MFA fiction thesis, which I haven’t really looked at since, but I think it’s good enough for folks to read. There’s an additional story, called The Obstruction (that won’t be posted until later — I update 2-3 times a week, all installments are under 300 words) that I wrote a couple years later, which was prompted by my thesis advisor, who, upon receiving a brain cancer diagnosis, said to me that it was an apt topic for one of my “scary stories.” So, I wrote one for him. It was published, actually, in a Canadian anthology a number of years ago, but since it was set in Pittsburgh, I added it to Dread Confluence.

Why am I posting on Wattpad? I dunno, really. The whole process of querying agents and publishers (at least the ones who accept unsolicited manuscripts) is a lonely, isolated experience with very little in the way of response, let alone rejection. I got knocked out of the game by a variety of ongoing personal situations in the last handful of years, and while I kept writing and doing revisions, no one was reading anything. It feels like I should just be digging a hole in the backyard and throwing the stories in there, maybe dig them up if I can manage to get an agent to bite. When you’re a writer, and you’re going through the process, it gets extremely disheartening writing into a void.

Now, I’ve got a few people reading this stuff. And they seem to be enjoying it, which is a relief.

So, that’s why. Would I rather be publishing traditionally? Absolutely. But it’s a long, hard slough, and I’m not getting any younger. I’m still querying and whatnot, and I’m considering another foray into the self-publishing jungle, but we’ll see. This is fine for now, while I work on finishing this third novel, get a few more shorts for another collection, etc. I’m still working. I’m always working on something. It’ll all come together, eventually.

 

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Inaugural Post

Lee Harper Oswald

This isn’t a post about anything. It’s just the inaugural post to whet the ol’ whistle. I haven’t blogged in years. I don’t even have anything to blog about, but I’ll figure it out as I go.

Today, I’m just going to say: the blog is back. There may or may not be useful information here. I would bet, though, that most of it will be relatively useless, except as maybe a slight entertainment factor.

I am here to slightly entertain you.

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