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Posts Tagged ‘FloridaManFriday’

FloridaNightClub

Key West’s 20-year-old Orion Breese Jones was arrested following a foot chase with club security and being stun-gunned twice by police for resisting arrest after whizzing on a waitress from the balcony of said club. As of 2019, he is the founder of Share Your Drop on Instagram, an account where he posts DJ drop clips. According to his private profile, he likes Svdden Death, Bassnectar, RL Grime, Eric Prydz, and appears to be a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. Listening to dubstep has yet to be made a crime, and we hope he followed through when he told police in the Monroe County jail that he had a “desire to seek help for his alcohol problem.”

Moran, Lee. “Florida Man Arrested for Urinating on Waitress at Nightclub.” New York Daily News. Tribune Publishing Company. January 28, 2015. www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/florida-man-arrested-urinating-waitress-nightclub-article-1.2094717

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HologramAlien

An unnamed 53-year-old Marin County man—still wielding a baseball bat upon the arrival of authorities—claimed “the men” had absconded with his wife/girlfriend using “holograms to project signals on the walls to get him to do what they wanted and to communicate with each other.” His lady friend was drunk at the man’s aunt’s mobile home several lots away and confirmed that she had been chased there by the hologram-armed men. The aunt said no one had chased her, but that she “was seeing people and animals at her trailer that were not there.” According to the trailer’s owner, this is not the first time police had been called, citing another instance previously when the man and woman were in the road—he with a gun, and she “digging for gold.” As of February 2014, they were soon-to-be evicted.

CLICK HERE to read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story for free on Wattpad!

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Race War

This week isn’t nearly as funny as a Klan member fighting Dame Edna, but the idiot level is pretty impressive.

Marcus Faella lead a group of ten members of the American Front—a hardcore white supremacist organization modeled after Britain’s National Front—who planned to “kill Jews, immigrants, and other minorities.” Their training facility was located eleven miles from Disney World. Faella was exploring how to manufacture ricin, a lethal biological substance, before he was arrested on an informant’s tip. Ultimately, thirteen were charged—ten had their charges dropped with no explanation. Faella was convicted on two counts of military training in 2014 and sentenced to six months in jail, with sixty-one days credit on time served, plus two years of community control. As of 2015, Faella wears a suit and has reworked his racist views to better blend in with the more contemporary Alt-Right model of academic hate and stupidity.

CLICK HERE to start reading Florida Man for free over on Wattpad! There’s a new installment up today!

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DameEdna

On Halloween, 2012, Boyd Corbin attended an “epic” party at a gay bar dressed as a Klansman with a tiki torch in Wilton Manors near Fort Lauderdale. While there, he found himself in an altercation with Dame Edna Everage impersonator, Michael Walters. I really wish there was a photo of the entire thing. This incident was followed by two years of litigation and intrigue, culminating in Corbin’s exoneration and his decision to run for mayor. As of 2018, he is still running for mayor. Corbin wants to clean up the drinking water, bring down the water bills, get rid of parking meters, build parking garages, bring down garbage collection costs, stop speeding on Wilton Drive, clean up Colohatchee Park (“Don’t take your kids there!”), and bust myriad corrupt officials.

CLICK HERE to start reading Florida Man for free over on Wattpad! There’s a new installment up today!

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Every Friday, starting today, I will be releasing a news story that I actually used in the creation of Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story, with commentary. Gawp in awe at the horror  and stunning stupidity that is Florida Man and enjoy the behind-the-scenes foundational madness of this Florida Man novel.

FloridaManFriday1

John Ott, of Boca Raton, was helping a friend outside when his neighbor, Alberto Felipe, walked up and requested a cigarette. Upon refusal, the Felipe embraced Ott in a bear hug and bit off a piece of his ear. Ott’s ear was sewn back on and Felipe, who, not surprisingly, had three prior arrests on assault and battery charges, was arrested for a fourth time and charged with federal aggravated battery. As of January 2014, he was out of $3,000 bond. Don’t think Ott’s a purely innocent man, though obviously you don’t just bite a man’s ear off. Ott was sentenced in 1977 for second degree murder, grand theft auto in 1987, and committed forgery, escaped jail, and did a lot of robbery in 1988. He was in and out of custody from 1979 to 1995—managed to get his ear bitten off in 2014—before returning to prison in 2016 for possession of a controlled substance and, again, grand theft auto. It’s worth noting that he had a tattoo described as “Florida, Gator” on his left leg. He seems to be a free man as of this writing.

-Moran, Lee. “Florida Man Bites Off Neighbor’s Ear After He Refuses to Bum a Cigarette.”NY Daily News. Tribune Publishing Company. January 9, 2014.

CLICK HERE to start reading Florida Man for free over on Wattpad! There’s a new installment up today!

 

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