Lee Harper Oswald

It’s best, I think, to simply quote the two perpetrators:

I don’t care what the police say. The tickets are solid gold…it ain’t cut up two by fours I spray painted gold. And it was Jesus who give them to me behind the KFC and said to sell them so I could get me some money to go to outer space. I met an alien named Stevie who said if I got the cash together he’d take me and my wife on his flying saucer to his planet that’s made entirely of crack cocaine. You can smoke all the crack cocaine there you want…totally free. So, try to send an innocent man to jail and see what happens. You should arrest Jesus because he’s the one that gave me the golden ticket and said to sell them. I’m willing to wear a wire and set Jesus up…

—Tito Watts

We just wanted to leave earth and go to space and smoke rock cocaine. I didn’t do nothing. Tito sold the golden tickets to heaven. I just watched.

—Amanda Watts

Golden, right? Unfortunately, this story was debunked in Facebook’s crackdown on false news in 2018. The story was completely fabricated by the website Stuppid in 2015, which, according to Snopes also made up such stories as a Nazi couple accidentally receiving donor sperm from an African American, a 14-year-old girl birthing Jesus, and a toddler tossed from a roller coaster. Life is unfair. Fear not—the piece was revived in 2019 with new subtly racist details and a higher price point: Make way for Zimbabwe man! Same names—Tito and Amanda Watts, same quote, but Tito is now a Christian pastor from Zimbabwe whose thousands of church members—to whom he sold the tickets—are demanding his release from custody, because while they are Christian, they “still adhere to and practice local and traditional religious beliefs from old ancestors and tribes.” You know, the ancient, primitive practice of purchasing Golden Tickets to Crack Planet.

Nice job, Ms. Jackson—she cites four sources: My State News, Egypt Today, Study Country (no idea what this refers to), and News Day. A simple Google search shows two of her sources, but she could have also cited Hollywood Unlocked (this writer kept the reference to police finding $10,000 cash, crack pipes, and a baby alligator from the Florida origin story),Elite Readers, Spilled News (this one is particularly great—the story is set in Zimbabwe, but cites the original Stuppidarticle set in Florida and uses the fake mugshots from that piece—good job, nameless writer), Nairaland (alo excellent, this is a Nigeria internet community forum with posts from both the Florida story—posted in 2015—and the Zimbabwe story—posted in 2019), Legit (another Nigerian site, also kept the cash, crack pipes, and baby alligator reference), and Africa Check, a site that debunks false news from Africa (this is labeled an “old, fake story from USA”). That’s just the first page of results. Zuckerberg won’t tolerate this shit, but demonstrably false political ads are all good to go. Folks, it’s hairy out there—watch what you read.

Unknown. “Couple Arrested for Selling ‘Golden Tickets to Heaven’.” Stuppid. Stuppid.com. March 31, 2015

Tobias, Manuela. “No, Florida Couple Didn’t Get Arrested for Selling Golden Tickets to Heaven.” Politicfact. Poynter Institute. September 17, 2018.

Jackson, Cherese. “Pastor Arrested for Selling $500 Golden Tickets to Heaven.” GLV. Guardian Liberty Voice. May 31, 2019.

Read Florida Man: Battle of the Five Meth Labs: A Love Story here.